RafeWorld

Those who pay attention to other facets of my life are familiar with a dissatisfaction I’ve had as of late – a dissatisfaction that grew to a head a few weeks ago on Episode 139 of my podcast. Having taken two weeks off in a row, with no time to watch movies or write reviews of the movies I had seen, I voiced the possibility of shutting things down. My logic was that I hadn’t really had time to maintain the site, and without the site there’s no point in continuing the show. The site is responsible for what little ad revenue and the gracious donations we receive. Much like when we were at Cinema Blend, the show itself makes no money. It’s just a fun thing we do to talk about movies.

In my dissatisfaction, I asked for people to sound off – were we done doing the show, continuing only to #250 (a nice clean number for a break) or should we carry on. The response was almost unanimous: our fans like the show and wished to see us continue, even if that meant cutting back on what we did or getting rid of the site. (Again, getting rid of the site isn’t an option – it’s the only real way to bring in new listeners and support the show.) The response filled me with a bit of a charge though, and so the show and my life as a film critic got a reprieve (interestingly enough, the one response we got that suggested we hang it up if we weren’t interested anymore came after we recorded the following episode, where we announced we were sticking around and which I felt was a much better show).

Since we made that decision, the site has received little update, as I expected. One review, one “write your own review,” an editorial, and two of Margaret’s Trailer Park articles, and that’s about it. In a period of three weeks, that’s not a lot. I’ve been questioning how to resolve that. Now, leave it to someone I don’t know to give me the kick in the pants I need.

On his blog, John Scalzi writes today about writing. The post is a response to questions he gets about where his motivation and energy come for writing, sent by people who, like me, have a job and a family and have trouble finding time and energy to write. I knew from the get-go this was a post that was either going to motivate me or make me want to jump off a bridge (or, more realistically, grab a stiff drink).

Scalzi writes:

So: Do you want to write or don’t you? If your answer is “yes, but,” then here’s a small editing tip: what you’re doing is using six letters and two words to say “no.” And that’s fine. Just don’t kid yourself as to what “yes, but” means.

So, yeah, he has a point. Nothing says I have to be a writer, despite the fact that I’ve defined myself as one for almost a decade now. I’m a writer because I want to be, even if I don’t say I have time to do it like I want. His counter to that is that, if you can find time to pen 250 words a day – which isn’t a large task (I’m at over 500 words at this point in this post) – you can write a novel within a year. It’s a good point, and perhaps the aforementioned swift kick I needed.

The closing of Scalzi’s article is a killing blow to any excuse I’ve ever made:

But if you want to be a writer, than be a writer, for god’s sake. It’s not that hard, and it doesn’t require that much effort on a day to day basis. Find the time or make the time. Sit down, shut up and put your words together. Work at it and keep working at it. And if you need inspiration, think of yourself on your deathbed saying “well, at least I watched a lot of TV.” If saying such a thing as your life ebbs away fills you with existential horror, well, then. I think you know what to do.

When I left my previous career, it was bent on having a family and doing something that meant something – that made a difference. It was done with the motivation that nobody ever dies wishing they spent more time at the office or sold one more microphone. At least what I do now makes a difference and gives me time for family. Until now, what I felt like it hadn’t given me a lot of time for was writing. But I do watch TV. I do play video games. And, as evidenced by this post, I can write almost a thousand words within fifteen minutes. Somewhere in there is the message. It just took Scalzi to put the pieces together.

As I tell my students: I’m not justifying… I’m just making excuses. Clearly, it’s time those excuses stop or I face the facts that they are nothing more than just excuses.

The painting that inspired the contest:

If you haven’t read them, my previous two entries talk about my thought process behind my story.

And now, my entry, which (again) is the silliest thing I’ve ever written, after the cut…

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So where were we… oh yes, the writing contest.

Today seems like an especially apropos day to pick this story back up, as a merciless and ridiculous editor managed to trash my interest in writing more. Fortunately, this was after I had done the bulk of the day’s writing, so the bills got paid anyway, as the saying goes… assuming that’s actually a saying.

So, I first heard about this contest towards the end of the school year. I enjoyed Wil Wheaton as an actor in my youth, when the two of us looked very much alike. John Scalzi, the other brain behind the contest, is a writer I’ve only recently discovered, but I really enjoy (I highly recommend his book Your Hate Mail Will Be Graded: Ten Years of Whatever, a collection of highlights from ten years of his blog, which is titled “Whatever”). Put the two brains together, and apparently you get John Scalzi as an orc, against Wil Wheaton, who is mounted upon a unicorn pegasus kitten. Silly, eh? And, to top things off, they wanted fanfic about the picture.

Now, understand, fanfic is one of those venues I have chosen not to go down. I consider myself a proficient writer. I have my weaknesses, mostly from not doing enough of a variety of writing, but I’ve read some fanfic and I know I’m more capable than a lot of the stuff I read. There’s some weird stuff that goes on in fanfic. Weird, unspeakable stuff. There’s a reason why one of the rules of the contest required entries not included explicit sex. Think about that for a second. Now think about all of the different fandoms out there – Star Trek, Star Wars, Harry Potter, etc. Imagine what kind of explicit sex could be portrayed in those fandoms. Now, understand, whatever you just came up with is tame by comparison to some of the things some people have created. I’m not saying all fanfic is erotic or explicit, but a lot of it is – enough to give fanfic a bad name.

I also choose not to write fanfic because I enjoy watching or reading about those characters in the creator’s original manner. I couldn’t dream of what Tolkien really wanted to happen to Samwise Gamgee next; all I could come up with is what I would do with the character next. Well, who is that of interest to? Just me. So why write it? If I’m going to put that kind of time and energy into something, let it be my own original creations, who I have full control over without feeling like I’m deviating from a set path or destroying someone else’s intentions.

Back to the contest. Despite the silly premise, and despite the label of fanfic, I chose to enter the contest for a couple of reasons. The first, and least, was what I talked about before – feeling like I’m slogging through an existence, grinding out a living, but not really using my talent as a writer. The second, and more important reason, is that this contest is for a cause. The winning entry from the contest will go into a chapbook, alongside stories by Wheaton, Scalzi, and several other professional authors. While that’s all well and good, and it would be awesome to see something I created alongside that, that’s not why I entered. The proceeds from the chapbook, which I’m sure I will buy, regardless of what entry wins, go to the Lupus Alliance of America. Lupus isn’t just a good punchline on House M.D. It’s a serious illness and one that has tragically touched my life (that’s an entry for another time). So, anything I can do to benefit the cause… especially if it’s writing a silly story, well…

Like many things I write, ideas for the story percolated in my mind for a while. The original post announcing the contest came during the end of the school year, a time when I had no freedom to write, and many other things occupying my brain. It’s no surprise to me that one of these other things wound up taking the focus of the silly story: the novel Lord of the Flies. The concept for the story that finally came to me offered up a way to structure the story so that it wasn’t quite fanfic, and yet, it is fanfic. The story of Wheaton and Scalzi and the unicorn pegasus kitten is fanfic within the story, but it’s not my fanfic. It serves another purpose, and ultimately, that became a facet of the story I was really happy about.

My next entry: the story itself. Which is still one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever written.

So I’m writing this summer. I’m quickly learning there are two kinds of writing for someone like me.

The parallel I draw comes from the movie Rounders. In the movie, Matt Damon plays a poker player who puts it all on the line in the movie’s opening movie, and loses. The story then shifts to years later, where Damon’s character is in law school, working grungy jobs to get by. His former partner (played by Edward Norton) tries to push him back into big games. Meanwhile, there’s another character lurking around played by John Turturro. Turturro plays small games and keeps his winnings small, but can live just off his skills at the poker table. He grinds out a living with his skills, while Damon’s character winds up only utilizing his skills to win bigger games. But with the bigger games, comes bigger risk.

This summer, I’m much like Turturro’s character, grinding out a living from my writing skills. It isn’t pleasant, and it isn’t a flamboyant life, but it’s kept me from having to get a retail job (or worse). Each day I spend a couple of hours writing a few articles, usually on subject matter I know nothing about (which means I spend more time researching than writing). The desire behind my employers is for brevity, which has always been an issue for me. As a result, I’m flexing writing muscles I don’t usually hit upon. At the same time, I don’t feel very satisfied about it.

So, to help feel more satisfied, I try to do some writing that is more for me. It doesn’t make me money, but it does make me happy. It’s unfortunately taken a back seat, and so writing in that area hasn’t been as prolific as I’d like, but it does give me some “me time” at the keyboard. Projects in this area include stuff for my other site, a novel idea, and other little projects that strike my fancy.

One of these projects came from some blogs I follow, writer John Scalzi and writer/actor Wil Wheaton, who ran a contest via their blogs. Details on the contest are here, although I’ll write a little more about it as a whole in my next entry (for the lazy and to keep some sort of narrative history here). The end result (which I’ll also post later) is undoubtedly one of the silliest things I’ve ever written, but for some reason I’m very proud of it. I think it’s mostly just because I completed it. The satisfaction of submitting something that wasn’t for the grind, but more for my own pleasure (and if other people get any enjoyment out of it, bonus).

Tomorrow I’ll talk a little bit about the contest: what drew me to it, and what turned me away from it.

I had planned a while ago to put a couple of my short stories in here. At first I was hesitant. After all, putting them on the Internet puts them out there into the ether, where they can be copied, stolen, or worse, ignored. An interesting discussion by some published authors changed my mind though, so in the interests of having something I’ve written actually read instead of rotting on a hard drive somewhere, and in the hopes this will somehow motivate me to write more, I’m putting up one of my stories here.

A peek behind the curtain: The idea for this story came about when I was in college (which is when this story was written). I left one of my classes and had a voicemail from my wife, letting me know that she was dealing with some charges on our credit card that didn’t belong there. She was confirming they weren’t actually charges I had made. They weren’t. Someone had stolen our credit card information and tried to make several large purchases with the card. There was an odd feeling knowing someone had temporarily taken our identity, which gave me the idea for this story. The original idea started in my mind with one of the later scenes and I worked backwards to get the final story, which is a selection I’m actually pretty happy with.

Enjoy

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Occasionally something I write for Cinema Blend will be a duplicate of something someone else covered. Rather than have those words wasted, I’ll post them here.

I’m trying to be excited about the G.I. Joe movie, but the bland character pictures we’ve been getting as promotional shots haven’t done much to excite me. I mean, come on – everyone is dressed in costumes that look like X-Men rejected gear, standing in generic poses that look more like supermodels than an elite military team. How is that exciting?

Thankfully, IESB has managed to snag some on-set images of Sienna Miller’s Baroness that are a tad bit more exciting. Armed with a weapon, Baroness has obviously seen some action as she’s a bit bloodied up. Sure, her costume still looks like something out of The Matrix, but at least it gives a feel that something will happen in this movie beyond people looking pretty.

Click over to IESB to see both images in a larger size.

Occasionally something I write for Cinema Blend will be a duplicate of something someone else covered. Rather than have those words wasted, I’ll post them here.

This isn’t so much a wasted story as an alternate introduction. I compiled our CB Guide to Indiana Jones and this is the original opening for the piece. We decided it was too much like a preview and didn’t fit the mode of writing we wanted the guide to open with, so here’s my take on why we should be excited about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull before I’ve seen it…

Who would have thought that, nineteen years after Indiana Jones rode off into the sunset with his good friends and father, the man with the hat would be back? Even in the sequel-obsessed Hollywood days we live in, I never expected to see Dr. Jones returning for another adventure, and had turned my adventure sights to competing second-bests like The Mummy and National Treasure.

Indiana Jones has returned, and this time he’s bringing his son instead of his dad, or that’s the big rumor that was all but 100% confirmed. He’s also bringing back an old flame, Marian Ravenwood (Karen Allen), who looks just as good as the time Indy walked into her bar in Nepal.

Along with his traveling partners, Indy has also grabbed his standard traveling gear: his whip, hat, and something new: nineteen additional years of age, which may or may not be an issue for you. It certainly doesn’t seem to be a problem for the action hero. The advertisements have taken full advantage of showcasing both Indy’s increased years as well as some serious action sequences. I can’t help but think the ads are also leaving the best for the screen, offering only a few more seconds of the same action pieces with new advertising to tantalize us for now.

No, it’s not Indiana Jones we’re worried about here, but sidekick Shia LaBeouf, who just might be the future of the franchise if George Lucas has his way (we’re hoping he won’t). Indy’s sidekicks have always been decent as sidekicks, but not much use for anything else. Trying to develop a sidekick into a leading character may be a bit too much to ask, especially after fans have already seen LaBeouf take on a leading role in a franchise to mixed reviews.

Then there have been various rumors that have been circulating the net, causing a little bit of worry. The most disconcerting have included aliens, space ships, and an appearance by Spielberg’s Close Encounters costumed characters. A lot of those have fallen by the wayside, although that shot of a crate with Area 51 markings doesn’t exactly calm those concerns.

In the end, I’m going to remain hopeful about Indy’s new adventure. Indy may be old, but he can still fight the good fight (especially now that he doesn’t have Nazis to contend with). LaBeouf may be being groomed to take over the franchise, but we’ll worry about that in the future – this is Indy’s domain right now. And those rumors be damned; I’d rather not know what Indiana Jones is facing off with until the film starts to roll. Besides, even the weak picture in the existing trilogy is a fun ride, albeit one that doesn’t quite measure up to the other two. If Kingdom of the Crystal Skull can manage that much, nineteen years after the franchise was assumed to be over, I’ll take it.

Had an online roundtable interview with National Treasure: Book of Secrets director Jon Turteltaub tonight. The way this works is you join a Flash based chat room where only the keynote person can talk to the room. On the side the studio plays some kind of featurette about the movie, in this case a short piece that will actually be on the upcoming DVD. You submit questions to the moderator, who filters them to the keynote and answers spew forth… very slowly.

The benefits of this kind of interview process should be fairly evident. I can interview the filmmaker without leaving the comfort of my home, and it’s unlikely a director of Turteltaub’s stature would come to my house in Roanoke to talk. On his side, he gets to chat with several members of the press (not sure how many were there, but I got two questions in over the course of an hour) from the comfort of his home or office. It was also convenient to be able to run to the bathroom and not really miss anything, although that was equally due to the pacing of the interview, which was dreadfully slow.

The slow pace isn’t the only disadvantage to interviews like this. Let’s start with that featurette – a six minute piece that played on rotation for the duration of the hourlong interview. I could almost recite the audio from the featurette by the time it was done. Also, since the interview is done with a bunch of press, it’s hard to really get a good dialog going with the interviewee. There were several instances where I would have loved to joke around with Turteltaub based on his own humorous comments, but this was a one way conversation, so that wasn’t possible.

Then there are the members of the press who aren’t asking good questions or didn’t do any research (and this is coming from the guy who, in a previous roundtable interview, asked the Farrelly Brothers if they planned on following in the rumored footsteps of the Wachowski Brothers and initiating a sex change for one of them, simply because I didn’t have a question that hadn’t already been asked). Despite the filtering, several repetitious questions worked their way in as well, which made for some wasted time – not exactly helping that slow pacing problem.

In other news, I went for the audition today and was offered the part. I wound up saying no, although I’m feeling a little guilty about that. One of my former actresses is among the cast. The fact that she didn’t do my show this year made it a little easier to say “no” even though I would be disappointing her.

Truth be told, it actually made it a lot easier to say no when I found out she would have been one of the love interests for my character. A nineteen year old is a little young for me to be involved with, even on stage. I suppose I should feel good that anyone would think I could be paired with a nineteen year old believably, but I think having done the show would just be a constant reminder of how much older than her I am. lol

So… I said no. More theatre updates later as some of those other opportunities take a little more solid a shape.

I hate that there’s been a distinct lack of updates over the past week. The play dominated the weekend while writing for the site took over the weekdays. It was nice to be able to come home from work and write, but because it was the end of the month and all my quotas still had to be met, it meant a lot of writing, sometimes mindlessly, just to get my numbers met. I hate being in the position of quota writing, but with the play I didn’t have time for the first half of the month for much writing. In fact, January has always been a hard month, sometimes with me inadvertently taking the month off, so the fact that I met any quotas this month was incredible.

The play is over with. Today was the last performance, which I was ready, but not quite ready for. The show had a good run, with over 1500 people seeing it over the course of its 12 performances. We got in all performances, which was a good thing, but they weren’t without other obstacles and problems. Most of the feedback I got was positive, and I feel like the show had a sense of completion to it. At the same time, there’s always a sense of melancholy to the end of a show. You spend three months with these people creating something special, it becomes a little sad to say goodbye. As much as I’m looking forward to coming home this week and relaxing a little (and, of course, grading and catching up on work), and the notion that next weekend will finally be some free time, I will miss the show. It was something special, and the cast put together some amazing memories for me.

Just for my own interests, here’s a catalog of the trials and tribulations the show faced over the performance weekends:

First Weekend
– Had to polish some things before the first performance because of the lack of a final dress rehearsal (due to the weather). I had to be a jerk in order to make one effect happen, because otherwise it was being blown off as something we weren’t going to get done – something I wasn’t very happy about.
– Second performance: one of the younger actors gets sick before the show starts (throwing up in the dressing room), so he’s pulled out of the show. He also hadn’t put away his costume the night before and part of the costume was missing.
– Fourth performance: said younger actor comes back, but can’t find the missing part of the costume. We won’t let him go on stage without his costume, so he’s pulled from the show (entirely at first, later we come to an agreement over his return for the remaining performances). Meanwhile, another actress is physically ill on stage, necessitating an impromptu intermission so we can clean up the sick from the stage. She’s also pivotal to the end of the show, so we spend the remainder of the show trying to figure out if she’s okay or if we have to figure out some other plan (the other actors, vultures that they can be, immediately jump on memorizing her lines… “just in case” – heh heh heh)

Second Weekend
– Several cast members forget to check out Friday night. While we’re 99% certain they went home with their families (these are eight year olds we’re talking about), there’s that slightest insecurity – after all, what if we’re wrong. This puts us back into conflict with the family of the young actor from the previous weekend, as he is one of those who forgot to check out.
– After one show with the whole cast, one of our actors injures his ankle prior to Saturday’s shows. The injury takes him out of the shows for the entire weekend. The other cast members do a great job making up for his absence, but it’s still a strange vibe without him.
– Our primary character, The Velveteen Rabbit, is incredibly ill the entire weekend. An absolute trooper, she still makes it through every performance without any problems on stage, but I swear she looked like she was about to drop into a coma the second she got off the stage. By the end of the weekend, she’s not the only one who is sick, but the cast takes to heart the idea that “the show must go on” and the audience never knows.

Third Weekend
– It’s B’s turn to be ill. No injured back this time (we have a history of that affecting him during shows), not that it makes a huge difference. The result is that I have to take over running sound for the remaining performances.
– Meanwhile, after I’ve gotten myself comfortable with running sound on a new console, our “Stephen” injures his back. This is a part that isn’t in the script, but was added out of necessity. We needed someone to carry the sickly Molly offstage (the original script says Nana does it, but that wasn’t a possibility) so I have to find someone else to carry her offstage. I’m now in the booth, so it can’t be me. Fortunately we have enough parents regularly coming to the performances I’m able to ask someone else to fill in. Still, it was interesting.
– Our injured actor comes down with the flu, so he’s out for Friday’s shows. Fortunately by Saturday he felt better and was able to finish the final three shows.

These are the actual problems beyond personality conflicts, petty arguments, and the like – which of course there are plenty of. After all, this is the theatre, and what is theatre without a little bit of drama. That’s why I’m kind of happy to see the show come to an end; it’s not that these things are unexpected, and we always rise to the occasion to deal with them, but it’s nice to have a break from them. For now, I’m not dealing with next year’s show either, so my break could be decent sized this time.

Back to life as normal tomorrow… or at least whatever passes for normal.

The weather has given us a reprieve and How Toys Become Real will have its opening night tonight. People keep asking if I’m ready and the truth is, I’m not… but I don’t think I ever would be. This play has been plagued by a ton of new insecurities beyond the usual ones I have, since I both wrote and directed this year’s offering.

See, usually I’m just the director and it’s someone else’s script. That script may have flaws, and as the director it’s my job to overcome those flaws as the play is brought to the stage. If I’m unable to do that, I can always console myself that those flaws existed in the script. That’s an even better excuse when the script is something that has been published (which, frankly, the worst show I ever directed was), because that means anyone who produces that play has to face those same obstacles.

This year I wrote the script. That means any shortcomings the play had in script form were mine (and there were quite a few). Failure to overcome those flaws through direction is also mine (and I think there are some failures there as well), which means there’s no consoling myself. Whatever issues this play has on stage come solely from me, and that’s led to a ton of new insecurities I’ve never had before. Directing is fun because I’m behind the scenes. Watching the actors get accolades is my reward. Writing is behind the scenes, but everything that I create is out there for the public to see and judge. While I, as a writer and director, remain hidden, the truth is the emotion is very raw – out there for everyone to see.

None of this is a reflection on our cast, of course. They’ve been a wonderful bunch and I’m glad to work with them. It’s a weird experience putting your own words on a page and then having someone else decide how to deliver them, and find the emotion to them. The cast has done wonderful and I have utmost confidence in them. I just don’t have that same confidence in myself.

Thanks to the weather, Virginia Western has been closed for the last 36 hours (or so). No day or night classes yesterday (killing the last dress rehearsal) and no day classes today. That could affect attendance at tonight’s opening night. Add on top of that we changed the title to remove it somewhat from the negative perceptions some people have of The Velveteen Rabbit, and I’m very concerned that nobody will be coming to see the show. It’s a fear I have every year, but moreso this year because there are enough factors to make it a potential reality.

And, of course, there’s the possibility that another storm is coming in tomorrow, which means tonight could be the only performance we get this weekend. I always say we schedule 12 performances with the hope that we’ll get 8, but losing 3 out of our first 4 shows would be a travesty, and a hit on morale. Hopefully the inbound storm will slow down or blow left or right or something.

So – am I ready for the show to open? Not a bit, but I don’t think I’ll ever be. I think I could always find something to tweak or change. I’m ready for rehearsals to be over because I want my life back, but I’m terrified of what the show being out on display will bring. I just hope it’s my typical paranoia.

It’s time to raise the curtain… it’s time to light the lights…